What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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