so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
