i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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