it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
