woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
