When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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