I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
