to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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