He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
