My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
