Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Tornado booty call.. dedication
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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