dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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