you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
