I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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