I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
