just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
sarcasm needs its own font
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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