her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
