I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
