i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
how do flat chested girls get laid?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
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