i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
