now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
