i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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