So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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