you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Randomize
