Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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