What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
