Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
