Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
