I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
