i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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