Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
