The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
