When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
