my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
