you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
