i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
