Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
