If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
