Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
