my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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