My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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