hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize