I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
