It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
