How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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