hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
