we're chasing vodka with high fives
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Sober January is a disaster.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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