We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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