i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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