mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
