I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
