NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
