Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
