you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
