Moan for me like Helen Keller
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
