you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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