you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
