apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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